


it's so quiet here and i feel so cold

by steviesbucks



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Hallucinations, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:02:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25716262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steviesbucks/pseuds/steviesbucks
Summary: The First Law of Thermodynamics states that heat is a form of energy, and thermodynamic processes are therefore subject to the principle of conservation of energy. This means that heat energy cannot be created or destroyed.
Relationships: Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	it's so quiet here and i feel so cold

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing angst- especially major character death- and my first time posting AOS fanfic! Hope you enjoy <3  
> massive thanks to my betas [hazzarat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazzarat) and [showzen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/showzen) !! I couldn't write without y'all <3

Mrs Simmons opened the door to the back garden, gesturing him onwards. He smiled and thanked her before making his way out past the cobblestones and down the little stone steps to the hill where Jemma was waiting. She was wearing a sundress- a yellow floaty thing- and she looked so.. at peace. She watched the tyre swing move in the breeze and listened to the birds singing. Fitz took a seat next to her on the hill, holding the flowers in his hand. 

“Y’know, even in that Quinjet, the ride from the Playground to here is  _ not _ a comfortable one. I took a long-arse ride for you, Simmons,” he teased, reaching out to rest his hand on her knee. She just starts laughing, a beautiful sound that he can’t get enough of, and rests her hand on his shoulder. Fitz’s hand covered hers, holding out the bouquet with the other. “You look.. nice, by the way.” 

“Well, thank you, but- lilies? How did you know they were my favourite? I rarely talk about flowers and if at  _ all _ I talk about-”    
  
“Carnivorous ones, but you once went on about how when you retire, you want to start your own lily garden. How bad do you think my memory is?” He was joking, of course, and Jemma scoffed before she moved a little closer, their knees pressing together. They sat and watched the world go by for a few minutes, her hand still on his shoulder and the flowers in her lap. 

“Things are pretty busy back at HQ. Bobbi’s going back into the field and May has come back, Daisy can properly control her powers, Coulson is getting involved with-” Simmons cut him off with a squeeze to his shoulder. Fitz took his hand off of hers and wrapped his arm around her waist instead, grinning as Simmons smiled coyly. 

“Of course everybody starts getting better again while I take a break from being at work.” His grin faltered at the mention of her break, looking down at the lilies in her lap and then at the tree at the bottom of the hill, swing still moving in the wind. Her dad had built that swing for her after her surgery when she was younger; she’d told him stories about how when she was younger, she used to hope she could swing high enough and touch the moon. He’d just laughed and said the moon would see Jemma Simmons yet. 

It was like everything hit him at once. He took a deep breath and turned his full body to face her, taking her hands in his. They were cold, even in the sunlight beaming down on them both. The flowers sat on her lap, stark white against the yellow of her dress and the green grass around them. “Jem.. I need to say something.”    
  
“Fitz, wh-”    
  
“No, just- hear me out. Please. I’ve missed you so much since you’ve been gone- I miss you every day, all the time!- and I know you can’t come back but- I miss you. I don’t want you to be alone, not when-” he took a shuddering breath, keeping his eyes focused on her face, “not when you mean so much to me. I know I told you when we were stuck in that escape pod but you’re  _ everything _ to me, Jemma Anne Simmons, and I don’t want you to be alone. I’m never leaving you again, alright? I swear on all the life I have left that you don’t have to be here alone, not anymore.” 

She was silent for a moment, face crumpled but with no tears. Jemma let go of his hands, steadying her gaze on his face. 

“You need to let go of me. You know it and I know it because I  _ am _ you. You’re using this again- trying to act like I’m still here. I know how much it hurts. I know how much you miss me, I know that you know I’m not here anymore.” The voice was gentle, the way Jemma always spoke to him when he got upset. 

“Stop it. Just let me have this,” Fitz begged. He knew he was begging himself and that only he could choose what this.. fucked up coping mechanism said, but he begged for more time to believe that everything was alright, that maybe  _ this _ wasn’t real. Maybe the reality was that he and Jemma were happy and this was all a big nightmare. 

Jemma just shook her head, a sad smile on her face. “This isn’t a nightmare, this is the reality of the situation. I’m gone and you’re using me and these visits to my childhood home to ignore the inevitable. I know why you came here and you  _ know _ I wouldn’t have wanted you to do that, Fitz. You can’t keep holding onto me like this, not when you deserve to move on.”    
  
“But I- I  _ can’t _ , Jemma,” he pleaded, the tears starting to brim in his eyes, “not when I failed. Not when I couldn’t- I wasn’t  _ good enough _ and now you’re gone.” 

“Leo Fitz, don’t you  _ dare _ ! What happened to me was never your fault and we both know that. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was just.. how everything ended. You were always good enough for me, you always have been and you always will be. I always loved you, I just didn’t know how to say it, and you must know that considering I’m saying it now. I’m not Jemma, Fitz, I’m a figment of your subconscious- but you must have known she loved you for me to be saying this at all!” She was so  _ painfully _ like her that Fitz couldn’t help the audible sob that escaped his lips. 

_ “I can’t just leave you, Jemma- I promised-”  _ _   
_ _   
_ “You tried so hard. It’s not your fault, Fitz. You’re not the one to blame here. I forgive you.” 

The floodgates opened as he started sobbing, resting his head in his hands. He thought he might’ve felt the pressure of her hand on his shoulder but he knew it was just wishful thinking- he’d just been talking to a projection of her he’d made in his own head to make himself happy, like he did after the accident. He started sobbing harder.  


-

Wherever this was, it was cold and sandy and dark. He could barely see Simmons through the storm- sand kept getting in his eyes and scratching his skin like tiny needles. He tried to fight against Coulson and the others pulling him back through so he didn’t let go of her hand. He  _ couldn’t  _ let go of her or she’d be stuck out here again. Fitz couldn’t lose Jemma again. 

She kept screaming his name but her hand was slipping. He grabbed her wrist, trying to pull her in closer but she kept slipping. He was going to lose her, he was going to  _ fail _ and lose Jemma and she’d die out here or she’d never forgive him and she’d be  _ gone. _

**_“Jemma!”_ ** Fitz cried, heaving her towards him with all the strength he had left. He could barely make out her face against the sandstorm, but he daren’t look away in case this was the last time he ever got to see her. That wasn’t going to happen, he wasn’t going to fail her, he promised himself. 

She said something that he couldn’t hear, feeling her hand slip further away from his. He stretched out to grab her hand again but he jolted backwards as everything went black.

-

When Fitz came round, his head and body were sore. He blinked his eyes open slowly, waiting for the harsh lights of the medical table to hit him- but they didn’t. It was.. dark. He groaned as he rolled over onto his back; the ground shifted underneath him, which.. he didn’t expect. Where was Jemma? Was she here? Did they make it? His vision focused a bit more- he was looking up at Coulson and the rest of the team, all with wide eyes and pale faces. 

He reached out his hand tentatively. He could’ve sobbed when his hand brushed hers. 

_ “Jemma- oh god, Simmons, you’re here, you’re alright- I told them, Jem, I knew you’d be alright, knew we could save you,”  _ he mumbled into her hair, hand rubbing her back as he pulled her tight to his chest. He vaguely heard the team celebrating above him but he didn’t care. She was here, she was safe now and she was  _ alive.  _

He started to realise though that ever since he’d woken up, she hadn’t said anything. Or moved. 

_ “Simmons? Jemma, are you awake?”  _ When she didn’t answer, he gently shook her shoulders. She still didn’t move. She was so cold. 

Coulson seemed to notice the change in atmosphere, crouching down near the entrance to the now destroyed portal. “Fitz, is something wrong? Is Simmons alright?” 

_ “She’s not- I- Jemma’s cold-”  _ He started to get frantic now, shaking her more solidly. Everybody else seemed to catch on that something was wrong, all coming to gather around the equipment they brought to figure out how to bring the two of them up. 

_ “Jemma- oh god, c’mon, y’ have to wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”  _ He was practically wailing now, tears falling freely from his eyes. He was shaking her with one hand while the other searched for a pulse. He knew it was fruitless. It wasn’t like this mission where he could still  _ feel _ her. He knew that this was it. 

_ “Please, please, I’m begging y’- y’ have to wake up, y’ can’t just- Jemma, please,  _ **_please_ ** _ ,”  _ Fitz sobbed, clutching the cold body to his chest, like he might be able to save her if he just held on long enough. If he didn’t let go, if he never let her go ever again then she couldn’t really be gone. If he never let her go ever again then they weren’t on a pile of broken monolith shards, one of them cold and still. 

_ “Fitz, we- somebody needs to- you have to let go-”  _ __   
_   
_ _ “ _ **_No, I can’t, she isn’t- she’ll wake up, she’s gonna wake up, y’ don’ know Jem like I do-_ ** _ ”  _ When Mack tried to wrestle him away from Simmons, he started  _ howling  _ like he was in agony, trying to writhe away from his grip.  _ “ _ **_I’m not leaving her, y’ can’t make me! Fucking let me go!”_ **

He didn’t calm down until they shot him with an icer. He just dreamed about Jemma Simmons, which wasn’t unusual, except in his dream, she was still alive. They were happy together, and everything was good. In reality, Jemma Simmons was cold and still and  _ dead _ and Fitz didn’t save her. 

-

He wasn’t sure when he opened his eyes, but she wasn’t there anymore. No dent on the grass where she was sat, no indications she was ever there at all- because she wasn’t. The flowers sit bright against the grass still and he picks them up, making his way to the bottom of the hill. The tree and the swing were behind a little plot of land covered in stones with a light headstone that had her full name, her birthday and the day they tried to save her from the monolith. Her parents had  _ ‘memento vivere’  _ engraved under those details- it felt oddly fitting, considering what subconscious Jemma had told him about moving on. He laid the flowers down on her grave and moved to lean against the tree, bringing his knees up and resting his chin on them. 

“Love you, Jemma Simmons,” he admits to nobody in particular, watching as a butterfly landed on top of the lilies. He almost thought he could feel a hand on his shoulder, steadying him. He doesn’t move to look. 


End file.
